Doctor vs Captain
by Commander Fiction
Summary: 5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It. Mostly humor. Bones and Jim pairing, some Spock in there too. Takes place during the five-year mission. Weekly updates on Saturdays. Live Long and Prosper. Rated T for language.
1. Psychiatrist

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 1: Psychiatrist**

Bones plops down beside his blond friend, pushing the extra bottle towards the kid. Jim takes the bottle greedily and pops the cap off, downing it in a few swallows. The Doctor doesn't say much, he doesn't need to, Jim already knows what's going on.

The starship Captain swivels around, examining his best friend closely, "Would you quit staring? I ain't that pretty." Bones growls with a thick southern drawl, but it doesn't make the blond flinch.

"Only checking out your good side." Jim chuckles, licking his fleshy lips; they feel weird when they're not cracked or bleeding underneath his tongue.

"Well if you keep checking me out, everyone's gonna think you aren't gonna be checking out any ladies-if ya'know what I mean." Bones replies sharply, ordering another round.

Jim purses his lips, drumming his fingers against the counter, Bones watches him closely, "I'm fine thanks for asking." Bones grumbles and turns back towards his drink.

Jim's eyes narrow down on his skull, mouth gaping, "I wasn't asking."

"Of course because the only problems that matter around here is yours." The Doctor snaps and Jim rolls his blue eyes at him.

"Oh please, I think I've heard enough about your issues." The Captain laughs, brushing Bones' glare off.

"Well just be glad you don't have any children, they make matters worse." Bones tells him, taking his next drink.

Jim looks at him, "There's a thing called 'protection', if you use it, you don't get any kids…usually." The blond informs the older man.

Bones just snorts, "Jim we were married! Why would I-never mind." The Doctor gasps, shaking his head in disapproval.

Jim just chuckles at his friend, hands spinning the bottle.

"How would you handle the situation?" Bones asks suddenly, expecting a serious response.

Jim gazes into Bones' brown eyes, formulating an answer, "I would have skipped the marriage part and jumped straight to sex but that's just me."

The Captain earns some smacks to the back of head, "Seriously Jim? God damn it, no one around here gives good advice."

"That's what you're for." Jim points out.

"But seriously Jim, what should I do?" Bones questions, hoping for a better answer, "I just honestly don't know what to tell them, I have no idea…" He continues, not meeting Jim's gaze.

Jim sighs, putting the alcoholic drink down, "Do what's ever best for Joanna. If they really need the money, I'd agree to it, but if your ex-wife is just trynna hose you, then say screw it and walk away." He tells his friend, placing a hand on the Doctor's shoulder, "… and damn it Bones I'm a Captain not a psychiatrist!" Jim exclaims loudly, giving a chuckle.

Bones glares at him, "Bitch, that's my line."

"Not anymore." Jim remarks, feeling quite proud.

"That was weak, gotta do better than that kid." Bones informs him with a smirk.

Jim rolls his eyes, "Whatever, I'll get better at it."

"No you won't, because you are never going to use my line again. Understood?" Bones grumbles and Jim smiles devilishly.

"Sure Bones, I won't use it again." He responds sarcastically, which just earns him another whack to the head.

"Psychiatrist my ass." Bones mutters and gets up, leaving Jim to pay the bill.

Jim frowns, pursing his lips, "Damn it."


	2. Stripper

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 2: Stripper**

Jim licks his lips eagerly, winking over to the girl across the bar. Bones just frowns, elbowing the blond in the gut, causing him to yelp dramatically.

"Oh shaddup." Bones grumbles, taking another gulp of his beer.

Jim snorts obnoxiously loud, making Bones rolls his eyes, "Hey I might get laid, you're just jealous."

"Jim this isn't the academy days." The Doctor snaps, glaring at the young Captain with a gaze that could shatter three-inch glass.

"Yeah but it is shore leave days." Jim points out with a shrug, swishing his beverage.

Bones just has to scoff, "Yes but you have responsibilities."

"Not tonight I don't." Jim giggles with a large smile, flashing the girl another grin.

"Alright fine go ahead and talk to her, but I'm not performing surgery on a toilet again to get your arm out. That was a onetime thing." Bones growls grumpily, folding his arms across his chest with a frown.

Jim chuckles giddily, "Thanks dad."

The cheery blond then skips across the bar over to the pretty brunette on the other side. Bones sighs and pops the bottle back, letting the amber liquid refresh him. Some shore leave this is turning out to be. So far it's been full of beer and…well that's about it, Jim doesn't seem to be interested in much more than this so far. Then again, the blond is easily distracted and he's sure there's more to come.

Bones just sits back and watches. Jim does his normal adorable yet subtle smile, showing his white teeth which are all intact thanks to Bones. The blond then casually takes a seat by the girl, obviously already chatting away. But the girl's smile starts to shrink slowly, until it's nothing but a smirk. The Captain is still talking away, expressing himself with the wave of his hands.

Bones can tell how this is going to play out. And here it comes.

Jim's face falls and he seems apologetic, but the lady's face looks disgusted now. She throws her drink in Jim's face and stomps off. But Jim being the idiot he is, follows her. The brunette turns around sharply and throws an unexpected punch straight into Jim's face, causing the kid to stumble over and land on his rear.

Bones laughs loudly, holding his belly. He's never seen a woman do that to Jim Kirk before!

Jim's face looks astonished and in slight shock of the events that just played out before him. Bones rolls his eyes and hops from the stool, making his way to his blond friend. Jim looks up at him, holding his nose with both hands.

"Oh get up you infant." Bones grumbles and yanks his Captain to his feet.

"Oww, damn it Bones I think my nose is broken." Jim replies, blood running down his chin.

"Well then, I congratulate her. Now please, let's leave, you're making a scene." Bones points out and ushers him out of the bar and into the night air.

Jim just mumbles his complaints and plops down on a bench, followed by Bones.

"Lemme see." Bones prompts and pulls Jim's hands from his nose.

"Uhh how about later?" Jim chirps, trying to outmaneuver Bones hands.

The Doctor glares at him, "Damn it Jim, hold still." Bones snarls, basically straddling the blond so he can peel the blood soaked hands away from his broken nose.

Jim frowns, pouting, "Oh it's not that bad you whiner." Bones tells him, getting a better look at Jim's nose, "But it is definitely broken. Boy that girl had a swing." Bones chuckles and Jim rolls his eyes.

"Jeez, I guess I'm off my game." Jim voices aloud, cringing as Bones wipes the blood from his nose with a rag.

"Yeah, maybe…hold still I gotta put this back in place." Bones tells him, ignoring Jim.

The blond just bites down on his lip and mentally prepares himself. Bones smirks and snaps the bridge of Jim's nose back into place. The kid yelps, instantly grabbing his nose and cradling it. The Doctor chuckles heartily and strips the blond's hands away again.

"Alright, everything seems to be in the correct place again…well mostly." Bones informs the Captain, sticking a gauze up each nostril before relinquishing his awkward hold on the blond.

"What do you mean 'mostly'? Bones is something wrong?" Jim asks, his face filling with horror as he sits upright once more.

Bones laughs harder, tears threatening to spill, "Only thing outta place on you is your common sense, I was hoping she'd knock some into ya!"

Jim frowns and stands up, brushing off the blood that only absorbs into his clothes and sticks onto his skin.

"Here, I'm satisfied with your services." Jim tells him and drops a wad of cash onto the Doctor's lap and takes off in the other direction.

Bones' gaze narrows and pulls the cash out. It's a roll of ones, about twenty ones or so.

Bones rolls his eyes and growls, "Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a stripper!"


	3. Child

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 3: Child**

Jim's snoring away, hugging his sheets close to his body with a pillow underneath his head. Bones barges into the room, and damn he doesn't care if the Captain has the day off, he's getting his medical checkup whether he likes it or not.

"Captain." Bones grumbles, shaking him, but the kid doesn't stir, "Uhh Captain rise and shine. C'mon beautiful."

Still Jim keeps sleeping, his face buried into the sheets, Bones growls, "God damn it Jim-oh look you're awake." The Doctor gives a cheery smile.

Jim's head slowly lifts from the pillow, his blond hair sticking upwards into a mohawk, "Can I help you?"

"Uhh yes you can. You're overdue for a medical." Bones sneers, smacking the Captain on the back of the head.

"Jeez Bones, careful on the head, I may have had too much to drink last night." Jim replies with yawn, sitting upright.

"Alright just hurry up and get dressed and meet me in Sickbay!" Bones informs him and strolls out of the room.

Jim rolls his eyes and gets up, stretching his muscles before throwing on some decent clothes. He slips on his captain's shirt and pulls on a pair of black pants, followed by some socks and shoes. Once fully clothed, he leaves the safety of his quarters and heads for the Bridge, keeping clear of the Doctor's Sickbay along with his evil hypos.

Captain Kirk makes his way to the captain's chair, entering with a gleaming smile. Spock turns around to meet his gaze, the vulcan seeming slightly surprised with his presence. But instead of asking, the First Officer just gives a nod and returns to his duties. Kirk grins and sits into his chair with a sigh, licking his lips with anticipation.

"Captain I thought you had the day off?" Sulu questions, swiveling around in his black leather chair.

Kirk just chuckles lightly, "Yeah, I do, just don't tell any of the Admirals, they say I'm 'overworking' myself and that I'm a 'workaholic'."

"Are they right?" Uhura pries, raising a graceful eyebrow at him.

"To some extent." The Captain replies, taking a side glance at the Communication Officer.

Sulu laughs and shakes his head with a sigh. Uhura grins and goes back to her post. Spock just keeps an intriguing gaze at him before returning to his own station.

Kirk sighs, letting himself sink into the familiar chair. It relaxes him, calming his nerves more than any alcoholic drink ever could.

"Captain Kirk, you're needed at Sickbay." Uhura's voice calls to him.

Kirk clenches his teeth and grips his chair tightly with slight anger. Damn can't the Doctor leave him alone? Seriously it's just one checkup…

"Tell the Doctor that I'm busy." Kirk replies, glancing over at Uhura.

She just gives him a look, the 'seriously Jim?' one, "He's not going to be happy." Uhura grumbles and comms back the Doctor.

"Captain I believe it's urgent, he said if you don't come now there'll be hell to pay-and I'm just quoting him here, his words not mine." Nyota gives a sly smile and Spock just raises an eyebrow.

"Fine, tell him I'll be right down." He growls and gathers to his feet, shaking his head in slight humiliation.

"Yes, Captain." She replies and hides a snicker as he passes and walks inside the lift.

Kirk just glares as he lets the lift take him to the correct level before stepping out. He stomps all the way to Sickbay, ignoring the curious looks from passing people.

"Ahh Captain, finally." Bones greets from across the room, Jim stops in his tracks, letting the Doctor skip over beside him.

"Thought I was gonna hafta go up to the Bridge myself and drag your ass down here." Bones chirps, a grin on his shaven face.

Jim offers a little smile but it fades quickly as Bones steers him to a small sectioned off curtain. His stomach feels somewhat uneasy as Bones orders him to sit on the table and the Doctor begins to dig out some files with his PADD.

"Can we just get this over with?" Jim grumbles, drumming his fingers against the surface impatiently.

Bones gives him look before replying, "Just hang in there for sec, it's taking me minute because your file hasn't been updated in ages."

"Whatever." Jim grunts, folding his arms across his chest.

"Hmm, you need shots." Bones groans, knowing how much the idiotic Captain hates hypos.

"Great." Jim breathes, dragging his fingers across his face, "Some day off."

"Maybe you should get your checkups done when they're scheduled instead of pushing them off." Bones states and pulls out several hypos.

"Those look bigger than usual." Jim comments, watching Bones test them.

"Well you wouldn't want to get some exotic disease that makes your balls fall off now do you?" Bones tells him bringing the hypos closer.

"I suppose not." Jim grins, clenching his teeth as the first hypo presses into his neck, "And why the neck?" He adds, rubbing his now sore neck once Bones backs off.

"Ehh, it's just easier." Bones chuckles lightly and readies the next one, "Now hold still and this won't hurt."

Jim rolls his eyes and feels the second hypo enter his skin. It releases a hiss and Bones pulls it away with devilish delight.

"Alright all done with hypos-wait I have something for you." Bones informs him and heads for a cabinet, opening it up.

"Better not be another hypo." Jim mutters, still rubbing his neck.

"Nahh, you're good-all you got left is the physical examination." Bones replies still searching, "Ah-ha!" He exclaims, getting Jim's attention.

"What?" The blond inquires, but makes sure he doesn't sound too intrigued.

Bones brings it over with a smile, extending it forward, "Here want a lollipop?"

Jim's mouth drops and his innocent face falls into a frown, "Damn it Bones I'm a Captain not a child!"

"Damn it Jim! What'd I say about stealing my line?" Bones snaps, smacking him in the back of the head.

Jim laughs, clutching his stomach. Bones frowns at him and throws the lollipop into the trash.

"I actually kinda wanted that." Jim admits slowly and Bones shakes his head.

"Now off with the clothes." Bones demands, hands on hips, anger still written clearly across his brow.

Jim's blue eyes meet his brown, a lopsided grin forming on his face, "With pleasure."


	4. Documentary

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

Story 4: Documentary

Bones is enjoying himself; the past couple of days have been quite peaceful, uneventful. Especially since Mister Loudmouth hasn't been hanging around lately. Either it's the glare he gives the blond every time he steps into view or it's the sign that's been hanging on his door which reads: "STAY OUT-THAT MEANS YOU JIM". Whichever one it is, he's glad, he finds the peace quite calming.

The Doctor finds himself heading towards the mess hall after visiting Sickbay with no news. Just nothing. Apparently Jim seems to be the bad luck around here.

Bones enters the lunch room, heading over to the food replicators and snatching a plate. He grabs some food, which is joke, this isn't real food, and plops down at his normal table, finding himself completely alone. Where's Jim and Spock? Who knows, usually they're already here.

He glances around, seeing the blond talking to Spock, gesturing with his hands, almost knocking over Spock's drink, which the vulcan just casually slides away from the Captain's reach. Bones glares at the pair, wondering why they weren't sitting with him like they usually do.

Maybe he finally scared off the infamous James T. Kirk… no, that's impossible.

With anger he'll never admit, Bones gets to his feet and walks over, sitting down next to Jim. Jim looks at him, slight panic in his eyes for a brief moment before giving the Doctor the normal lovable smile.

"Bones, I'm glad you joined us, we were just talking about you." Jim informs him, taking a mouthful of what is apparently called mashed potatoes, but looks more like rotten bread smashed down with water added into it.

"You were?" Bones exclaims, acting interested but he's actually paying more attention to Spock's satisfied gaze which is fixating onto Jim's face.

"Yeah it was-well, it was…?" Jim trails off, at loss for words.

"Biographical." Spock inserts, head tilted casually to the side.

Jim's face instantly drops, "I-I wouldn't say that Spock."

"No you wouldn't Captain, you used the words: natural habitat, last of its species, and hunting its prey." Spock replies with what would be called a 'grin' but was falling short on the whole curve of the lips.

"Sounds like you were talking about the nature channel, not me Jim." Bones chirps, looking into those innocent blue eyes.

Jim smiles and nonchalantly licks his lips, "Yeah it'd seem that way."

Bones' gaze instantly narrows, "What have you been up to lately Jim?"

"It's more like what you've been up to." Jim corrects with a chuckle.

"What do you mean?" Bones questions and Jim shrugs sheepishly.

"What the Captain means is that he's been narrating your daily actions as if you were on a 'nature channel'." Spock informs Bones and Jim gives a disgusted snort.

"Ahh! Spock! I can't believe it, I thought vulcans don't lie?" Jim exclaims, mouth gaping in fake shock.

Bones looks at Jim, shaking his head at how pathetic his friend is, "Damn it Jim I'm a Doctor not a documentary!"

"Spock's lying! I can't believe it, this is some new anomaly." Jim breathes, inserting phony excitement into his voice.

"Captain it would be illogical for me to lie, and as you keep saying: I am half human." Spock informs them with a nod.

"So you're supporting me, you're half human therefore you can lie!" Jim says with a wide grin.

"Hey-hey Spock, you wanna go somewhere else?" Bones asks, ignoring Jim's surprised face.

"With pleasure Doctor. I presume somewhere far away from the Captain?" Spock questions, gathering to his feet.

"Yup. Bye Jim." Bones says, patting the astonished blond on the shoulder before following the vulcan.

Jim just sits there in slight shock from two things: one, Spock and Bones just agreed on something and two, SPOCK AND BONES JUST AGREED!

 **Author's Note: Sorry for not posting yesterday!**


	5. Doctor

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 5: Doctor**

Jim sprints across the field, his heart pounding. Phaser blasts fly by his head; he's leaping over fallen soldiers, lots of them. He's caught in the crossfire, avoiding every swinging fist and attempts to end his very life.

The blond races through, bolting for the tree line where Bones should be, but when he dives behind some cover, using the foliage, he calls out to his Doctor friend with no luck.

"Bones?" He shouts wearily, releasing a few pants, his voice almost trembling with dread.

Jim slowly gets to his feet, keeping his head low and makes his way further into the mysterious forest, searching for his best friend.

"Bones?" The reckless Captain calls out again, heart bursting in his chest now.

"Jim?" Comes the weak reply, sending instant shivers down the blond's spine.

"Bones?" He yells almost excitedly, tears of joy slipping down his face.

"Over here kid." Bones growls, lifting a shaky hand up to catch the rambunctious man's attention.

The blond instantly catches eye and dashes to his side in a heartbeat, assessing the immediate damage.

"Oh god Bones, not good, not good." Jim's voice quivers as he applies pressure to Bones' wound.

Bones groans as the pain flares up on his abdomen, "It's alright Jim, calm down, keep calm." He reassures his friend, when it actually should be the other way around.

"I'm-I'm so sorry Bones, I shouldn't have left you." Jim stutters, stripping off his captain's shirt to wad it up and press it down onto the phaser wound.

Bones rolls his eyes and places his hands on top of Jim's trembling ones, "It's alright Jim, look at me."

Jim peers into his eyes, longing for forgiveness, "I'm going to be fine Jim, I just need you to help me and remain calm." Bones informs his blond friend.

Jim slowly nods his head in understanding, letting the tremors wash over him and fade away.

Bones offers a gentle smile, "Good, breathe through your nose. That's it. Now, tie that around my stomach, don't wanna lose any of my organs." He chuckles lightly and Jim's face brightens up with slight astonishment.

"Yeah, I'm in shock Jim, now hurry up before it wears off and I start to feel something." Bones grumbles and Jim helps him sit upright and brings the torn shirt around him.

"Where's your med kit?" Jim questions, tightening it, causing Bones to cringe and hiss in pain.

"Somewhere in the middle of that bloody massacre." Bones mutters, making sure the bandage is tight enough.

"Alright." Jim replies and gets to his feet, ready to run out there and retrieve it.

"Uhh where do you think you're going?" Bones demands, giving Jim an angry look.

"I'm gonna go get it." Jim responds like it's the logical thing to do.

Bones groans and rolls his eyes, "It's fine Jim, we don't need it."

Jim's eyes fill with relief, and he sits back down with a sigh, "Oh good, because I don't think I was gonna be able to find it."

"Well there is one thing I need you to do…" Bones tells him, trying to keep his face completely straight and void of any smile.

"Anything." Jim breathes, his absolute attention settling onto the Doctor's face

"I need you to put your hand into the wound and pull out the shrapnel." Bones informs his Captain, looking directly into the ocean blue eyes staring back at him.

Jim's mouth gapes open, "Huh?"

"Jim's there a chunk of metal in my gut and you need to stick your hand inside of me and pull it out." Bones exclaims, biting down on his lip to suppress a chuckle as Jim's face falls into slight shock.

"I-I can't do that Bones!" Jim replies, raising his hands up in defeat.

"Your gonna hafta or this can get serious." Bones says, shaking his head, eyes wide with fake seriousness.

"Damn it Bones, I'm a Captain not a Doctor!" Jim nearly shouts, panic working its way into his voice.

"You brat. That's my line." Bones grumbles, smacking his superior-well hardly-officer on the head, "Plus I was joking, you should've seen the look on your face." He adds, cackling to himself.

Jim stares blankly at him, shaking his head in bewilderment, "I can't believe it."

"Well start believing it because I totally gotch'ya!" Bones replies with a grin and Jim rolls his eyes.

"Alright time to get out of here." Jim mutters and stands up, brushing the dirt from his clothes.

Bones smiles up at him, "It's about time. What's the plan?"


	6. Mattress

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 6: Mattress**

Bones buries his face deeper into his pillow, desperately trying to find the much needed sleep. But he's failing, miserably. The Doctor groans and rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

Footsteps outside his door bring his attention off of the ceiling and towards his doorway. He just sighs, waiting for the door to open and to reveal the only person who would be up at this ungodly hour standing outside his door. There's only one person, Jim.

The door finally does slide open to expose the lightheaded blond. Jim coughs hoarsely and stumbles inside, one hand on his burning forehead and the other wrapped around his stomach.

"Hey Bones…?" He whispers, coming to the edge of the bed.

Bones doesn't reply. Keeping his eyes closed, hoping Jim will think he's asleep and go back to bed. He hears the blond let a sigh whistle through his teeth quietly and scuffs away, going into the bathroom. What follows is the typical flip of the toilet seat and the usual gagging sound.

Bones rolls his eyes and gets up, heading towards the closed off room.

He pushes the door open to find Jim throwing up into the toilet. Bones folds his arms and Jim looks over at him, offering a smile followed by more puking.

"You're pathetic, you know that?" Bones grumbles from the doorway, watching Jim dry heave until his body finally settles back down.

"I think I shouldn't have eaten those plants." Jim groans and dry heaves over the toilet letting out a whimper after it passes.

"I told ya so." He replies, still not making a move to help the blond.

"Knew you were gonna say that." Jim smirks and hiccups slightly, his body shivering.

Bones walks over to him, crouching down beside his best friend, "You look terrible, how's the fever?" He questions, placing a cool hand on Jim's forehead.

Jim sighs, letting the coolness seep into his skin, "Giving me an awful headache."

Bones grinds his teeth and touches Jim's neck, feeling the tremors working through the blond's body.

"Alright, I'm gonna give you something for the fever and I want you to drink some water." Bones tells him, getting to his feet to retrieve the hypo.

"Water from the toilet?" Jim asks, slightly confused.

Bones turns around on his heels and gives the kid a look, "Seriously? No. From the sink."

"Oh." Jim mumbles and gets to his feet shakily and uses the counter as support.

The Doctor strolls out of the bathroom and snatches the correct hypo and returns to see Jim drinking water from the sink slowly. He watches him briefly, studying him as he splashes water onto his sweaty face and dries up with a towel.

"Here, hold still." Bones tells him and presses the hypo into his pale neck.

Jim just lets a wince out and releases a held breath, almost stumbling over if it wasn't for Bones' arms stabilizing him. The blond nods his thanks and lets Bones guide him out of the bathroom and into the bed.

"You'll sleep in here tonight." He informs his Captain, leading the feverish man to his bed.

Jim just nods his head wearily and collapses onto the cushions, letting Bones throw a thin blanket over him. Bones makes his way to the other side and plops down beside his best friend, shutting his now exhausted eyes. The two superior officers fall asleep side by side, only one wakes with a not so pleasant surprise.

Bones' brown eyes peel open slowly and he groans as he tries to shift his weight, but fails to do so. The Doctor looks down, finding Jim sprawled out on top of him, the blond's sweaty head pressed against his chest.

"Really Jim?" Bones grunts, raising his hands.

Jim just moans and keeps his eyes closed tightly.

"Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a mattress!" Bones exclaims and Jim's head instantly pops upright, eyes still hazy with fever.

"Huh?" The confused blond mumbles, wiping the drool from the corner of his mouth slowly.

"You must've fallen asleep on top of me last night." Bones grumbles, getting to his feet, pushing Jim away and leaving him still slightly dazed.

"Night Bones…" Jim mutters and throws the blanket back over himself, shutting his drowsy blue eyes.

Bones looks over at him, not bothering to wake him. He'll just let Spock know that Jim's taking medical leave for the day with no further questions asked on his well-being or his whereabouts. But he's sure the vulcan won't pry, for after all, they are talking about Jim for god's sake.


	7. Superhero

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 7: Superhero**

The Captain of the USS Enterprise ducks his head low, using the tall grass as cover as the clouds slide across the blue sky. Rain soon begins to fall and the blond is instantly soaked within its shower. With a sigh, the Captain keeps pushing further into the wilderness in his search for Spock.

The vulcan couldn't have gotten too far, right?

Jim squints his eyes, trying to make out the figure before him. The person is tall, slim shoulders and appears to have pointy ears. Must be Spock. The curious blond comes closer, not wanting to call out just in case his judgment is incorrect. It wouldn't be a first.

He comes so close that he feels like he's inches away, "Spock?" He whispers cautiously and the figure instantly snaps around.

"Captain?" Comes the robotic reply.

Jim smiles, it's definitely Spock, "Spock thank god it's you, Bones was gonna kill me."

"That would violate several Federation laws; I believe Doctor McCoy is intelligent enough to realize how such an action can lead to many troubles in the future." Spock responds sternly, his gaze the usual, intense.

"Don't take it so literally, jeez you robot." Jim rolls his eyes and drags Spock along towards where he left Bones on this god forsaken planet.

Jim and Spock continue their journey back, avoiding any of the search parties that are trying to take them back to the coal mines on which they were imprisoned at for several days. Good thing the Enterprise is waiting patiently for their return. They haven't done anything too extreme while they were gone, hopefully.

After several long hours they finally reach their hideout where Bones is moping around. As they enter, Bones immediately perks up and glares at them.

"Finally, there you are. You guys almost made me worry! Imagine that." Bones snaps at them and crashes down beside the two.

"Thanks for the warm welcome." Jim replies, giving the Doctor a playful shove which the vulcan only raises an eyebrow to.

"I believe it would be most wise and logical to leave while it is still night, the darkness will provide some cover." Spock informs them, studying the gleaming night sky.

"No, we need to find a way to communicate with the ship." Bones points out and Jim looks between his two friends.

"Bones is right Spock, if we want to make it off of this planet alive; we need to retrieve our communicators." Jim announces, chewing his lower lip.

"The only communication devices on this planet are the ones we brought with us, which are currently back at where we were being held. This planet is far too primitive to have developed any such technology." Spock states and Bones chuckles.

"Primitive my ass. This planet seems to have handled you just fine." Bones mutters and Jim holds back a smile, trying desperately to keep the situation serious.

"If you mean handled by getting kidnapped and shipped out to work in the mines, then I believe this planet has 'handled' you as well." Spock replies sharply, gaze narrowing down onto the Doctor's skull.

"Guys, guys, does it matter? Please can we just get this ordeal sorted out?" Jim growls, fists clenching and the two officers instantly quiet down and gaze at their Captain.

"Thank you." He grumbles, rubbing his eyes tiredly, "Now, what can we do to get those communicators back?"

"You can fly in and break into the compound single-handedly and steal back the communicators by yourself." Bones responds in a non-joking fashion, crossing his arms.

"Damn it Bones, I'm a Captain not a superhero!" Jim replies, shaking his head in negligible disbelief.

"And shit Jim, stop using my line. I'm serious now." Bones grunts, glaring at his superior officer.

Spock just glances between the Doctor and Captain, eyebrow raised with amusement. Jim and Bones continue to gaze at each other, stubbornly waiting for the other to back down, which isn't going to happen anytime soon.

"Captain, Doctor, please, we must sort through this." Spock says, making both of them snap their necks at him, glaring the vulcan down.

"Shut up Spock." Bones and Jim retort simultaneously.

Spock's eyebrows instantly shoot up and he blinks several times, "Well then, I believe it is most logical for you two to sort it out after you have gone through this primitive rivalry."

"Primitive, really Mister Spock?" Jim barks, rolling his eyes, "We're going back to primitive, now. God Spock. Thought you vulcans find name calling illogical." Bones adds grumpily.

"When did I start name calling? I only use descriptive words to accurately describe the situation." Spock replies with all honesty.

"Now he's in denial Jim, great, seems like our vulcan is broken, think we can fix him?" Bones questions, turning over to the Captain.

Jim glances at Spock then back to Bones, shaking his head, "I dunno Bones, this seems quite serious."

"I reassure you, nothing is mentally or physically wrong with me. All bodily functions are at normal." Spock replies, slightly confused.

"Oh, he's definitely broken." Jim says, nodding his head.

"That's okay we can just go back to Earth and pick us up a new one." Bones mutters and gathers to his feet, "Find a new one on eBay yeah?" Jim asks and follows Bones out.

"Oh definitely, I hear they sell for real cheap there." Bones responds, heading under the night sky.

Spock just stares blankly, he's 99.99% sure he just got played, and for once, he didn't see it coming.


	8. Friend

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 8: Friend**

Bones has seen Jim go through everything, his highs, and his lows. He's been there for the kid through thick and thin, up the mountains and down the valleys. The Doctor will always be there for the kid, whether he's in trouble or just needing of comfort and nothing will ever change the habit. Even if the kid doesn't want him around.

It's been a week, Jim's been awful quiet during this time and this isn't the first time, usually something's bothering him, but according to Spock, everything appears to be in order. But Jim's absence says otherwise.

The brunette blows a sigh, scratching at his incoming beard. He should shave it but maybe Jim will see it and realize how stressed he's making him. Bones walks out of his quarters and locks the door, striding down the halls to the only other room he would go to, Jim's.

He punches in his medical code and the door swooshes open, damn he really needs to stop abusing that power, only to reveal an empty and room. It's five in the morning for crying out loud! Where the heck is he?

Bones pauses slightly, determining his next course of action. Jim is scheduled to be on the Bridge until later in the afternoon, having the whole morning to himself. If he were Jim, where would he go if he had that much time off?

Damn that's a hard question.

He ponders the thought as he closes Jim's room up and decides to comm the kid, maybe for once in his life he'll pick up. But after several minutes with no luck, Bones swears and puts away his communicator. That's literally what communicators are for and the kid doesn't even use them to communicate!

Rolling his eyes, the moody Doctor stomps off, taking a quick glance about the Bridge, ignoring the vulcan's intriguing gaze, and searches through the mess hall, but still no sight of the blond. Bones is beginning to worry slightly, maybe the kid is hurt? Or maybe he just locked himself away; he has the tendency to do that every now and again.

He grinds his teeth and heads for the training room, passing by the empty racks and to the back room where they keep the punching bag. The brunette pushes the door open, finding Jim at the center by the bag, obviously having been at it for quite some time now.

Bones approaches slowly, seeing that Jim's attention is on the bag and his ears holding earbuds which are playing music way too loud by his standards. He walks up to his friend, deciding the next course of action.

"Hey Jim." He says almost cautiously, placing a hand on the blond's shoulder.

Jim instantly snaps around, throwing a fist at his face which he barely manages to dodge. The blond's face immediately fills with concern and he yanks the earbuds from his ears.

"Sorry Bones, you okay?" Jim asks, dropping his fists by his side.

Bones glances down, noticing Jim's bloody-and probably broken- knuckles dangling by his sides. He rolls his eyes and takes Jim's hands in his own, examining each knuckle slowly.

"They made gloves for a reason." Bones grumbles, letting Jim's hands fall back down by his thighs.

"They also made safety protocols but nobody seems to follow them." Jim snaps, eyes downcast.

Bones heart cracks slightly, "Jim if this is about…"

"It is, and it's all my fault. You know it." The sorrowful blond replies miserably, sitting down with a long sigh that whistles through the still air.

Bones comes beside him and sits carefully at his side, gazing into those hurt blue eyes, picturing all the times those eyes have shed tears because no one had been there for him.

"Jim, like I've said many times before, you can't blame yourself, they knew the risks and they went against regulations. That's on them, not you." Bones tells him, craving for Jim to meet his gaze, but his eyes remain downcast.

"I just don't know what to do anymore, this can't keep happening." Jim says plainly, his eyes becoming red.

Bones chews his lip, "Jim it will always keep happening, its part of life and its part of our job. And if you keep blaming yourself it's going to affect your future decisions which will affect the rest of us. So you need to stop moping around like an infant and suck it up. You aren't the only person who has to deal with death Jim. I'm not proud to say it, but I've had plenty of people die with my hands in their guts, right before me. So don't even give me shit about how awful you feel Jim."

Jim looks at him, one silent rebellious tear slipping down his cheek, "Thanks Bones, I needed to hear that."

"Anytime kid." Bones mutters and brings the blond into a hug.

Jim wraps his arms around Bones' shoulder, shutting his weary eyes. Bones sinks into the embrace, but he feels Jim tremble slightly and he remembers he has to be the strong one.

"Damn it Jim…I'm a Doctor, not your friend." He whispers and instantly Jim chuckles at the remark.

Bingo.

Jim peels away, a bright smile on his face, "Really? You just had to say it."

"Yeah, I couldn't resist." Bones replies, meeting Jim's gleaming smile; it's so genuine and happy.

Damn, he really did miss Jim's smile.


	9. Wait

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 9: Wait**

Jim slides in smoothly onto the bench, edging Bones almost right off. The Doctor just casts him a glare and continues to dig into his not-so-delightful meal. Spock on the other hand has already finished and is currently seated opposite of him, reading a book quietly. The blond gives each person a quick glance, and looks about himself before digging into his food.

Bones rolls his eyes; Jim's been paranoid ever since Sulu and Chekov managed to pull a prank on him during his off shift. Since then, the kid's been all tingles, even the slightest change in mood gets him worked up. The Doctor just assumes either Jim is embarrassed from how high the two lads got him to jump, or he literally hates being pranked. Which wouldn't surprise the brunette considering the Captain's traumatic past.

Spock gazes up from his read, his dark eyes shifting from Doctor McCoy to Captain Kirk, who seems off character. The Doctor is now rolling his eyes as the Captain cautiously peers around before devouring his food greedily. If he were to show some sort of emotion right now, he would certainly sigh and continue reading. But Spock being Spock didn't do that, instead he places his book delicately down onto the surface of the table and raises a perfectly pointed eyebrow at the Doctor who just shrugs in response. Which that can mean two things, either the Doctor doesn't care, or he doesn't know. Spock will just assume with logical presumptions that's it's both for now.

"What are you guys staring at?" Jim asks suddenly and Bones realizes that both he and Spock now have drifted their gaze upon the eating Captain, who is still twitching slightly.

"You." Spock replies firmly and scoops up his book.

"Well duh." Jim grumbles and shoves more food into his already stuffed mouth.

Bones glares at his Captain, wondering how possibly this man became leader of this starship, but decides to drop the thought because it'll give him a headache and a sense of insecurity.

The table then falls back silent, Bones simply studying his blond friend with clear worry. Jim remains oblivious, solely keeping his attention on his plate, trying to ignore the imaginative stares digging into this skull. But apparently, as he realizes when he lifts his head up, those stares aren't so fake.

"Why are you guys staring at me? Do I have something on my face?" Jim exclaims, dropping his fork and anguish clearly written across his brow.

Bones takes a quick glimpse at Spock then back at Jim, "I dunno what you're talkin' about."

"Liar." Jim mutters and takes a sip of his water.

"I am simply trying to discover why you appear so distressed." Spock replies and Jim release a disgusted scoff.

"Distressed really? Damn it guys I'm a Doctor not a damsel-wait." Jim says then stops, "I totally screwed that up." He adds, eyes wide.

"Yeah you totally did bastard, now for heaven's sake Jim, stop stealing my damn line!" Bones snaps, causing Jim to chuckle loudly and Spock to raise an eyebrow.

"I believe you meant to say-" Spock starts but Bones instantly cuts him off, he isn't about to let the green blooded hobgoblin say his line.

"No way in hell Spock, I already have this lil shit head-" Bones alleges, gesturing towards the bright and shinning blond beside him, "-saying my line and I ain't gonna let some pointy-eared robot say it!"

"Point taken. But I do suggest you do not revert to name calling, it makes you appear childish." Spock replies calmly, but Bones is everything but that.

"Childish Spock? Did you just call me childish? You're really askin' for it now." Bones snaps back and Jim laughs.

"Oh shut up Jim, you do it all the time." Bones points out and Jim sinks into his seat, sulking quietly.

"Doctor McCoy, the fact that you have taken this so offensively indicates that my statement is true and you do realize how childish you are acting." Spock informs the Doctor and Jim stops moping and perks up, ready to enjoy the show.

"Spock I wasn't doin' any name calling, I was just stating some perfectly clear facts. You of all people should appreciate that." Bones responds sarcastically and Spock's eyebrows shoot up.

"You called me a 'pointy eared robot'; I do believe that is name calling." Spock says and Bones shakes his head.

"Mister Spock, you have pointy ears and you are most certainly a robot." Bones states, gesturing towards Spock's magnificent ears.

"I do have pointed ears Doctor, but I fail to see how I am a robot, I am vulcan, not an android." Spock insists and Bones scoffs at him.

"Vulcan, robot. Same difference." Bones snorts and Jim giggles loudly causing both of them to stare at him.

"I believe this lunch is over." Spock states and gathers to his feet, picking up his book and empty plate and stalks off.

Bones looks at Jim, a wide grin on his face, "I think I just won that argument."

Jim smiles back cheerfully, "Totally, he's such a whiny bitch sometimes."

The Doctor and Captain then share a good laugh before collecting their plates to throw into the trash.

"Vulcans don't hold grudges right?" Bones asks suddenly and Jim just raises an eyebrow at him and continues to walk away, "Right Jim?" Bones calls out but the blond is already leaving sight.


	10. Towel

A _Star Trek_ Fiction

 _"For all the times Bones says 'Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a…' because who doesn't love that line? It defines their entire relationship."_

Doctor vs. Captain

 _5xs Jim Stole Bones' Line & 5xs Bones Said It_

 **Story 10: Towel**

The Doctor settles down and relaxes, his eyes closing wearily and his skin absorbing the sunlight. Tension in his muscles release and the built up aches and pains slowly fade away. He might actually enjoy this shore leave for once.

"Hey Bones!" Jim shouts loudly.

Damn it, he spoke too soon.

"Go away Jim." Bones grumbles back, hoping the inconsiderate blond will see how moody he is and make the right decision-to leave him alone for once.

"Oh c'mon Bones just come swimming with me." Jim replies climbing out of the water.

Bones growls and looks the Captain's way, studying the water behind the blond, "You sure that's safe to swim in?"

"Bones, seriously, we've already scanned every single thing on this planet. It's completely safe." Jim grins and comes beside him.

"Eww back away, you're dripping. And you sure they scanned the water? I don't wanna find you being eaten by a giant sea monster-cos honestly, I ain't saving you." Bones tells him and sees the smile widen on Jim's face.

"Bones I'm a hundred-percent sure the water is safe. Trust me, Spock scanned this planet himself and that vulcan takes everything into account." Jim informs him and Bones releases a disgusted snort.

Why the hell did he decide to relax so close to the water?

"Why don't you go ask Spock if he wants to come down and swim?" Bones inquires, trying to bring the subject off of himself.

Jim rolls his blue eyes, "I already did!"

"Yeah and what did he say to that?" Bones questions, an eyebrow arcing.

"He said swimming was illogical and that there was a slight possibility that I could…well that's where I stopped listening honestly." Jim chirps and Bones gives an agitated huff.

"Well Jim, how about I join you later, just gimme a couple of hours." Bones declares, settling back down into his chair.

Jim glares at him, he knows that's code for 'leave me alone and never come back', "Alright then." He says, slightly disappointed and stalks off back towards the dark blue water lapping at the shore.

Bones sighs, well that was easier than he originally thought. Usually the kid is a pain to get rid of, well unless he's in Sickbay, then he's a pain to get to stay in the confined space. Damn that boy is hard to deal with, he really tries, he really does.

The hours pass by swiftly and before he realizes, the night sky is rolling around, sun fading behind the distant mountains. Bones sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes. He peers around, looking for the familiar head of golden hair, but he fails to locate the kid.

"Jim?" He calls out, gathering to his feet and heading towards the water's edge.

Bones gazes over the water, a few horrific images of finding a dead body flashing across his mind. He simply pushes the thoughts aside and continues his search for his idiotic friend. Damn, if only he took his communicator with him, but then again that kid probably wouldn't answer to that thing anyways, especially while on shore leave.

The Doctor walks along the shore line, taking a few glances across the water's surface, seeing the starlight reflecting of off it.

"Jim?" Bones shouts out, trying to keep the panic out of his voice, but he might fail to do so if he doesn't find the blond soon.

He's strolling on the sand when a pair of arms grab him and put him into a bear hug. Instinctively Bones puts an elbow into his offenders face causing the man to yelp, but the hold doesn't relinquish.

"Damn it Bones, it's me." Jim grumbles, sniffling up the blood now trickling down his face.

"Jim? What the hell were you thinking?" Bones snaps, struggling against the Captain's wet hold, "And shit Jim, your still soaking wet!" He exclaims and Jim chuckles.

"Yeah I know." Jim replies, making sure Bones' clothes soak with the water.

"Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a towel!" He growls and shoves the kid off of him.

Jim stumbles back and lands into the dark water with an 'oof', causing the water to splash up around him, even getting the Doctor a bit wet.

"Oh now you're gonna get it." Jim tells him and climbs to his feet.

Bones takes a couple steps away, but it's too late. Jim grabs him and drags the helpless Doctor into the river with him. The brunette yelps with the contact of the cold liquid seeping into his clean clothes as Jim pulls him under water.

"Asshole." Bones grunts, and pushes the laughing Jim away.

"Hey, you said you were gonna come swimming with me." Jim points out, still chuckling.

"Yeah I know…" Bones replies guiltily and Jim gives him a look.

"How much you wanna bet I can get Spock to come down here?" Jim questions suddenly and Bones glances over at him.

"Oh it takes more than one to get him into the water, this one we'll have to work together." Bones replies and the two share a laugh before devising their plan to get Spock into the water with them.

This might just be the best shore leave Bones will ever experience.

 **Author's Note: Hey yall thanks for reading! So, who do you think won? Who said it the best, the Doctor or the Captain? Leave your thoughts in the reviews! Live Long and Prosper.**


End file.
